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The Best Jokes For Your Monday

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Mondays can be a rough – so here is some humor to help your day!

Laughter isn’t just fun—it’s good for you. Studies have shown humor can reduce stress, strengthen your immune system, and even improve heart health. Kicking off your Monday with a few solid laughs is a great way to shift your mood, increase productivity, and ease into the week ahead. So if you’re feeling the Monday blues, take a moment to enjoy some of the best jokes guaranteed to brighten your day.

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Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
Because they don’t have the guts.

What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!

I told my boss I was running late because my car wouldn’t start.
He said, “That’s the fourth time this month—do you even have a car?”

Parallel lines have so much in common.
It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

The Best Jokes For Your Monday

A man goes in for a job interview. The hiring manager says, “We’re looking for someone who can do the work of six people.”

The man says, “Oh perfect—I’ve been unemployed for so long, I already am six people: the anxious one, the hopeful one, the delusional one, the broke one, the desperate one, and the one who still lies on his résumé.”

The manager laughs. “You’re hired. Just don’t let the delusional one run HR.”

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He needed a little space.

A woman walks into a therapist’s office with her dog.

Therapist: “What seems to be the problem?”

Woman: “Well, it’s not me. It’s my dog. He’s been acting very anxious lately.”

Therapist: “Okay, and what’s been happening with him?”

Woman: “He’s constantly pacing, whining when I leave, and he’s stopped playing fetch.”

Therapist nods seriously and turns to the dog. “Tell me more about your childhood.”

The dog looks at him and says, “It all started when I realized the mailman was never actually a threat… and yet I barked at him every day. Who even am I?”

Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.

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I told my boss I was running late because my car wouldn’t start.
He said, “That’s the fourth time this month—do you even have a car?”

 Parallel lines have so much in common.
It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

I used to play piano by ear…
But now I use my hands.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
It got so bad I had to take his bike away.

I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia.
She whispered, “They’re right behind you…”

Starting your week with a laugh isn’t just enjoyable—it sets a tone of lightness and resilience. Monday is often seen as the hardest day of the week, but with a few well-placed jokes, you can flip that narrative and take charge of your mindset. Whether you’re sharing these with coworkers, texting a friend, or simply chuckling to yourself over your morning coffee, never underestimate the power of a good joke to get your week off on the right foot.



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Oregon Senate Passes Bill to Increase Penalties for Landowners Allowing Illegal Cannabis Cultivation

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The Oregon Senate earlier this month passed a bill that would increase penalties for landowners who knowingly allow illegal cannabis cultivation on their property, KPIC reports. The legislation would end special tax assessments for properties found to unlawfully allow unlicensed cannabis cultivation. 

Special tax assessments are levied on property owners in a specific geographic area that fund local infrastructure projects or public improvements that primarily benefit those properties. 

State Sen. David Brock Smith (R) told KPIC that the legislation is designed to “disincentive … farmland owners from allowing or accepting payment or leasing land” for unlawful cannabis cultivation.  

“Those landowners need to be better stewards of their land and knowing what they’re allowing to be grown on it. It is their responsibility and this [bill] just puts that into the forefront for them to take responsibility of that land that they own.” — Smith to KPIC 

Douglas County Commissioner Chris Boice, who helped craft the language of the bill along with the Oregon Farm Bureau, told KPIC that there is a host of issues associated with unlicensed cannabis grows, including the unregulated use of pesticides, herbicides, and fertilizers near waterways. Boise also noted that human trafficking is an issue at illegal cannabis cultivation sites. In a statement, Douglas County’s Human Trafficking Task Force noted that the sites are “high risk for both labor and sex trafficking.”

“In Douglas County, we have identified over 150 victims and survivors of human trafficking. Some exploited through the illicit marijuana industry, but all within our county,” the statement says. “Labor trafficking is fairly common within the industry with grow sites making big promises. Those coming in from other countries are promised good pay, an opportunity to live/work in the US, but the reality is they are often forced to live out in the elements without any facilities and among hazardous conditions.”

The statement adds that the origins of the illicit grow sites have come from “China, Russia, Ukraine, Mexico, Honduras, Laos, and from local entities within the southern Oregon counties.”

The legislation still needs approval from the House before moving to the governor.  

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Letter to Trump Calls for Ending Federal Cannabis Arrests to Save Government Money

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In a letter to President Donald Trump (R), U.S. Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) and Rep. Melanie Stansbury (D-NM) have called on the administration to end arrests for cannabis, which they say – along with the enactment of other policies – could help the government save trillions of dollars. 

The lawmakers note that ending unnecessary federal arrests and reducing waste in federal detention programs alone could save the government billions of dollars.

“The government spends billions of dollars each year on unnecessary federal enforcement actions and detention, like costly marijuana arrests despite the fact that almost half of states have legalized recreational marijuana, imprisoning elderly and terminally ill patients who pose little risk to public safety, and incarcerating people for minor technical violations of probation and parole.” — Warren and Stansbury in the letter 

The letter, which focuses on what the lawmakers describe as the failures of the Elon Musk-led Department of Government Efficiency or DOGE, notes that Warren had included the policy suggestion to Musk in January, but that he and DOGE had “ignored” them.  

In addition to the criminal justice reforms, Warren and Stansbury call on the Trump Administration to crack down on healthcare profiteering, negotiating better Department of Defense contracts, cutting wasteful spending on education programs, closing federal loopholes in the tax code, and ending so-called “vendor-lock” in government IT contracts. 

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GOP Senators File Bill To Ramp Up Criminalization Of ‘Candy-Flavored’ Marijuana Edibles

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A coalition of Republican senators have reintroduced a bill that would increase criminal penalties for a wide range of offenses, including manufacturing or selling Schedule I drugs like marijuana in the form of candy or beverages if there is “reasonable cause to believe” they will be sold to minors.

Led by Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Chuck Grassley (R-IA), alongside 10 other GOP members, the Combating Violent and Dangerous Crime Act contains provisions targeting substances that are in Schedule I or II of the federal Controlled Substances Act (CSA), including cannabis.

While certain legal marijuana states have proactively taken steps to prohibit cannabis marketing that might appeal to children, many state markets continue to allow THC-infused beverages and sell edible gummies and cookies, for example.

The Senate legislation itself doesn’t explicitly mention marijuana, but a section-by-section analysis says that “manufacturers and traffickers of marijuana edibles and fentanyl and other illicit drugs are marketing and distributing these highly dangerous drugs as packaged candy (Nerds, Skittles, etc.).”

“For years, there have been reports of children, even younger than 6 years old, overdosing on these drugs due to edible consumption,” it says. “This provision is the language of the 2017 Grassley-Feinstein Protecting Kids from Candy-Flavored Drugs Act, which has not been reintroduced as a bipartisan measure this Congress. The language amends the Controlled Substances Act to provide enhanced penalties for marketing candy-flavored controlled substances to minors.”

The language in the current legislation also mirrors a version of the bill that Grassley and other Republican lawmakers filed in 2022.

In a press release, Grassley blamed the Biden administration for what he described as a “massive spike in violent crime,” and he said it’s now the responsibility of Congress “to resolve any legal ambiguities that may weaken our ability to hold criminals fully accountable.”

With respect to the flavored drugs provisions, it should be noted that every state that has legalized marijuana for adult use in the U.S. has set an age limit that prevents people under 21 from legally accessing cannabis shops. Those dispensaries, and the brands they sell, therefore generally would not seem to meet the criteria for knowingly selling to underage people. (Studies have found consistent compliance at marijuana shops when it comes to enforcing ID requirements.)

If Grassley’s legislation is enacted, one possible effect would be that people who are federally prosecuted for such criminal activity could face up to 10 additional years in prison for a first offense if the cannabis product sold to a person under 18 was shaped or flavored like candy. Second and subsequent offenses would carry up to 20 additional years in prison.

Legalization advocates largely support measures to restrict access to underage people, but some bristle at the possibility of enacting significantly increased penalties that could be applied by overzealous prosecutors as part of the war on drugs.

“Soft-on-crime policies have failed to ensure our justice system and law enforcement at all levels have the necessary authorities and tools to maintain order and protect communities from dangerous criminals,” Sen. John Boozman (R-AR), the co-lead on the measure, said. “I am proud to join Senator Grassley and my colleagues to ensure violent offenders are held accountable under the law.”

Unlike Grassley’s press release, Boozman’s specifically states that provisions of the bill would “outlaw the marketing of candy-flavored drugs including marijuana and fentanyl to minors.”

Other cosponsors are Sens. Mike Crapo (R-ID), Kevin Cramer (R-ND), Bill Cassidy (R-LA), James Lankford (R-OK), Mitch McConnell (R-KY), Susan Collins (R-ME), Shelley Moore Capito (R-WV), Thom Tillis (R-NC) and Jim Risch (R-ID).

“Our legal system has a duty to punish the guilty and protect the innocent, and conflicting legal standards hamper the ability of federal authorities to do so,” Crapo said in a press release circulated by his office. “These necessary reforms clarify and strengthen federal drug and violent crime laws to ensure justice is applied fairly to all.”

Elizabeth Warren Pushes Trump To End Federal Marijuana Criminalization After Elon Musk’s ‘Failures’ To Stop Wasteful Spending With DOGE

Photo courtesy of Pexels/Kindel Media.

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